The Gazette 1986

GAZETTE

sepTemBER

1986

The Fable of Sam, The Solicitous Solicitor A Christmas Fable by F r ank O ' Ma h o n y*

O nce upon a time there was a small State called Utopia, a happy State, if only they knew it then. But the people weren't happy, not with "Things The Way They Are", as they'd say. "Things will Have to Change", they'd say. One day, a little Transylvanian lawyer, in search of his fortune in the United States, had the misfortune (as he then thought it) to be shipwrecked on the rocky shores of Utopia. Wandering, penniless, along the streets of the Capital City, Sam (for that was the Transylvanian's name) was fascinated by Lex Street. Lex Street was a street of one hundred solicitors, about 10% Junk Lawyers, .10% Mink Lawyers and 80% Average Lawyers (though, of course, they didn't call themselves that). The Transylvanian wasn't much of a lawyer but he had his father's shrewdness and he said to himself, walking down Lex Street, "mmm", he said, "I'm going to grab myself a piece of this action". So, off goes Sam to a local Bank and makes his proposition. The Bank Manager was no fool either and knew a good idea when he heard one. Soon Sam had bought the local TV station as well as a humble shed immediately alongside the finest building in Lex Street which the Top Lawyer owned. The entire conveyancing (which he did himself) cost £1,000,001. The shed was very humble and cheap. Next morning, the good citizens gazing at the Breakfast Show on their T.V. screens were astounded to see Sam the Lawyer being interviewed. "I'm arriving", said Sam "to bring Cheap Law to Utopia". "And how", asked the Interviewer, "are you going to do that?" "Principally", answered Sam, "by Cutting Overheads", nodding at his humble shed, "and by avoiding Legal Frills and Fancy Trappings" — gazing meaningfully at the rather grand office of the Top Lawyer next door. Soon people flocked to Sam and he did provide cheap law and the Man in the Street began to think "This is What We Want". And so did the clients of the Top Lawyer think. "Why", they began to ask themselves, "should we keep the Top Lawyer in his grandeur when we can have Cheap Law like everyone else?" So, one by one, the clients of the Top Lawyer left him and went next door to Sam. Sam prospered and the Top Lawyer began to starve. And Sam, when he thought the time was ripe, went next door and said: "My dear and fraternal Brother in Law, my practice expands while yours shrinks almost to nothingness. It grieves me to see your sad condition. Let us join our efforts. I will pay you a noble sum for your splendid office and I will offer you a well-paid job if you will honour me with your fine service."

The Top Lawyer had not been Top Lawyer for nothing either and he thought to himself: "this offer is certainly better than what I've left here". And so he sold his office to Sam and took up employment with security and Sam. In a short time further, more and more legal practitioners in Lex Street began to starve, while Sam's wealth and repute grew apace. But Sam did not allow them to go into bankruptcy; instead, like a kind father, he took them over, lock stock and barrel and put them into safe and secure jobs at desks throughout Lex Street— all of which he now owned. As time went by, Sam saw that people really didn't change much themselves. Some actually wanted expensive law; others simply couldn't afford law. Sam devised a scheme. He allocated 10% of Lex Street to a special department which, in the gold-plated office in the penthouse he occupied on the top of the highest part of the street, was called the Mink Law Department. He allocated another 10% of space, in the Basement, to which on the notice at the top of the stairs leading to it was called "Bargain Law Basement" but which, in the penthouse, was referred to as "The Junk Basement". Sam put all his brightest lawyers in the Mink Depart- ment. The more these bright boys charged, the more clients thought of the service. He put all the dumbest lawyers in the Basement, on the principle that people buy- ing an item of Junk Law wouldn't appreciate too haughty a salesman. And the business prospered and people thought "Thank God for the Great Universal Law Store — 'twas about time the Legal System in Utopia was Reformed". In time, the employees in the Store began to think about salary rises. The first of them approached the pen- thouse. The Boss greeted the employee warmly. "Come in, come in, and sit down. Have a Scotch — or Irish?" The employee lawyer sat down in a gold-plated chair. "I'm wondering if I may have an increase in salary?" he suggested. Sam leaned forward on his gold-plated desk and began confidentially: "I can remember well the first day you began to work for me. I was lucky to get your excellent services. "You have served me faithfully and well. How can I reward you? "I have two options. I could give you an increase. But that would, let's face it, break the Firm's Motto of Keep- ing Down the Overheads. Or else" and he paused and lowered his voice, "or else, you can continue to work hard and one day, who knows, you may be sitting where I am". The employee glowed with ambition. "We must , of course" he replied, "stick to the Firm's Motto. I shall continue to work hard and then with time, 265