The Gazette 1987

GAZETTE

APRIL 1987

Keep it out of Court Mediation in Family Disputes

or she will be acting as a mediator, whether trained for that work or not. "Some people believe that the work of a mediator will be best done by a man or woman who is trained for it, and has built up experience and know-how by working at it daily. "Most people who have been through the process of media- tion have said that the result was better for them than if they had left it in their lawyers' hands. For others, mediation hasn't worked, though most of these have thought they got something from it, and very few who have tried it have felt that it was a complete waste of time. "Mediation is mostly used by couples who have agreed to part. A couple may also be helped by mediation if they have difficulties in their relationship, and see separation as a possible solution. It is not necessary that they should both want to separate; often one does, and the other either doesn't want to or is doubtful. "Consulting a mediator does not mean making an irrevocable decision to part, but a mediator should help a couple to focus their minds on whether to live together or apart. "Mediation may also be helpful to a couple who plan to live apart for a while, but don't necessarily intend to separate permanently." At this stage, before going on to read the "Ground Rules" for mediation, my clients, and pro- spective clients, get a strongly worded (and underlined) warning as follows:- " It is much harder work to negotiate your own agreement, with or without help, than to leave it to lawyers or others to Who is Family Med i a t i on for?

Af ter thirty years of practice as a solicitor, I recently made a career change to wo rk primarily as a Family Med i a tor. A friend and colleague (solicitor, not mediator) quizzing me recently about my decision, remarked that whi le he liked wha t he had heard about medi at ion, he did not really under- stand how it worked, nor how solicitors and mediators should co-operate in Family Law matters. He believed other solicitors might be in the same position and suggested that I was as we ll qualified as anyone, and perhaps better than most, to explain medi at ion to lawyers. This article is a response to his suggestion.

I can best explain mediation - at least as I practise it - by quoting from two documents. One is an in- troduction, explaining the process of mediation, which I sometimes send to couples who contact me, but are not sure if mediation is what they want, and which I always give to a couple who have started mediation, at the end of our first session. The second is a paragraph that I include, as standard, in any Note of Agreement I prepare at the con- clusion of a successful mediation. First, the introduction, which starts as follows:- "This introductory note is in- tended for couples who have started to negotiate the terms of their separation or who are thinking about doing so. If you are reading this note, you are probably at a very painful and difficult stage in your life. Let me start, then, w i th some encouragement. "Now, when you are at a point in your marriage when either you or your spouse badly wants to leave it, is likely to be the worst time. From here on, it has been the experience of many people in your situation that things are unlikely to get worse, and may start to improve. "Next, although you may feel uniquely wretched, many other people have been in the same mess, and have got over it, there are other people now facing the Introduction to Family Med i a t i on

same problem, and there will be many more. "Finally, the fact that you are reading this now suggests that you are facing the problem, that is, taking the first step towards solving it.

by M I C H A E L W I L L I A MS Family Meditator

What is Family Mediation? " A couple may expect to organise their separation better if they work it out together, rather than through the legal process which, almost unavoid- ably, tends to escalate conflict and lead to a confrontation in which one party or the other will emerge as loser. However, at a turning point in their lives, when emotions are very powerful, it will be hard for them to sit down together and talk rationally and sensibly about their futures and their children's futures. " A couple contemplating par- ting may ask a third party to help them in their discussions and, among other things, try to keep the peace between them so that they can talk calmly and ration- ally. The third party may be a wise friend, in whom they both have confidence, a trusted adviser, or somebody else. He

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