The Gazette 1986

APRIL 1986

GAZETTE

negotiation skills. the biggest stumbling block for the couple in reaching an agreement is coping with the emotional issues of anger, guilt, rage, rejection, fear of loneliness, and above all sadness at the pending loss of hopes and dreams, and of letting go the good times as well as the bad memories. The most difficult task for the mediator is being able to deal with the fluctuating emotional needs of the couple. This is described as "using rational strategies" and includes "nurturing, empathy, sympathetic listening, interpretation and reframing". (Haynes, 1984) 1 . The Mediator legitimatizes the feelings in order to help the couple reach the next stage of negotiation; in this way it differs from separation counselling and therapy which focuses on helping the couple to explore the feelings in order to resolve the relationship conflict. Agreements No two separation agreements will look alike no matter how carefully or uniformly the "He a d s" of agreement are worked out. Each family has different needs and indeed some agreements are definitely 'Irish- solutions-to-Irish-problems'. They would hardly stand up in any court of law, but they are the agreements that the couples believe they can live with. For example, in relation to the family home, in 29°/o of cases, the wife continued to live in the family home with the children; in 20%, the husband remained in the family home with the children; in 3%, the family homes were sold; and a further 3% agreed to live apart but actually remained in the family home F" cause of inheritance and other financial and emotional complications. It is important to distinguish the spousal issues from the parenting ones and to carefully work out rules relating to parenting the children, e.g. discipline, buying clothes, grandparents visiting, school reports, holidays, etc. These arrangements can be fraught with difficulties but the mediator needs to be aware that each couple/family has its own self correction mechanism. Because the family is an organic changing system, there is nothing final about a separation agreement except perhaps the sale of property. Children grow up, attitudes and needs change. Couples who learn negotiation skills in mediation can continue to use these skills as circumstances change, either between themselves or with the help of the mediator. Mediation can also be used in other family disputes, e.g. in negotiating the care of an elderly relative, in adoption and foster care, or in disputes between the extended families. Some Value Issues The most important single issue arising out of mediation is perhaps the shift from the notion of blame to that of responsibility. Our institutions, particularly the Church and the State have a linear view of families and see them as continuous, stable systems, so that a crisis such as marital breakdown is perceived as a failure or a mistake. And, if the couple could somehow be counselled or receive therapy it would become a " no rma l" marriage. In the same way annulment and divorce are perceived by some, as a way of getting rid of a "defective" member and that the remaining members

represent the " r e a l" or " no rma l" family. This is simplistic view of the complexity of marital and family relationships. Some families need to break up in order to survive. Couples have ways of evolving from dysfunctional and destructive patterns of behaviour in the marriage into new and more constructive family arrangements after separation when they each take responsibility for these arrangements. Some couples are able to finalise a separation agreement after two session in mediation, whereas for others it may take six to eight sessions. Some are unable to use mediation, and rely on arbitration, only to reject or 'sabotage' the arbitrator's decisions at some later date. The commitment of the present Government to setting up a Pilot Family Mediation Scheme before divorce legislation would be introduced is unique to Ireland. Mediation evolved in the U.S.A., Canada and other European countries in response to the frustration felt by some divorcing couples with the adversarial system. Because there are no divorce procedures in Ireland there tends to be less pressure on couples to finalise their separation agreements. On the one hand this allows time for 'trial-separation' or short-term contracts, but on the other hand it prolongs the state of 'limbo' and uncertainty. Couples may go through the mediation process and then baulk at signing the agreement because they are unable to give themselves permission to separate. The religious and cultural value of indissolu- bility of marriage puts many couples in a double bind. Theodore Makin, the Jesuit Theologian, in his book, "Divorce and Remarriage" describes very well the double bind of indissolubility of Christian Marriage. 4 . The mediator needs to recognise and respect the couple's right to re-fashion their lives according to their own values. The mediator's ability to recognise this need and to pay attention to it is a major factor in successful third-party intervention. Implications for Training Mediators in the U.S.A., Canada, U.K. and Australia tend to come from among social workers and the Legal Professions. All have specific training in mediation which includes core skills in negotiation and counselling and in working knowledge of family law, family systems, child development, grief work, tax laws relating to the family, budgeting, etc. The ideal solution is to have a team of mediators from different disciplines with a common training in mediation, working in the same agency. The team could then provide peer support and supervision. Mediation work is considered by some to be emotionally treacherous and therefore the mediator if she/he wishes to be a skilled helper needs to be "committed to his or her own growth, emotional, physical, intellectual, social and spiritual". (Egan, 1982) 5 . There is a need for on-going training, evaluation and research in mediation, and for an open flexible approach in the use of different models and strategies. An established code of practice, suitable to the needs of this country is important if the service is to have credibility and the goodwill of the community. •

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